Bad Dream, Good Night

Calvin awoke tonight as if from a bad dream. I found him sitting up, clutching Pooh Bear almost as a shield. Poor thing.

I picked him up and he quieted right down, put an arm tightly around my neck (with the other holding Pooh) and rested his head on my shoulder. I held him and hummed, "Jesus Loves Me" a few times before deciding to sit down in the rocking chair. Why rush this?

It's a different experience to comfort a 20-month old than it is a baby. For one thing, he's twice the size that he was when we spent nights in this chair, nursing. Now, instead of cradling him comfortably over my shoulder, his knees touch the seat; he kneels over my shoulder! And he's quick to change positions on his own, settling onto my lap as if we were going to read a book ... or as if I was Santa Claus! Still, he's able to find comfort from my touch, and Pooh's, and I'm grateful.

After a while I put him back in his crib, but he wakened and stood up crying. Happy for the chance to comfort and cuddle with him, I offered to lie down with him in Mommy and Daddy's bed. He accepted the offer and snuggled right in with his head under my chin.

Oh. I remember this feeling. I loved snuggling with Calvin when he was just home from the hospital. We had the Moses basket by the bed and I would bring him in with me to nurse at night. It's rare, now, to have any quiet time with him. It's a treat to have him on my lap for a story or to tie his shoes!

Just as I'm getting used to this, he flips like a pancake and his feet are in my face. Literally. His big toe is touching my nose. This is not nearly as lovely at first, but as I remember my connection to these little feet that used to reach out for me from within, I take hold of one and kiss it. Calvin's feet. I love these feet.

Then he's back again, this time lying diagonally from the top right corner to the bottom left. It leaves little room for me, much less for me and Dad, but he settles into a deep sleep here; his hands are open and relaxed, just like Grandma likes them.

I'm not sure how I'll bring myself to move him back to his crib, but I have time to figure that out. I'm not tired, anyway.